Is it the end of the world as we know it? And do I feel fine? Do you? Does anyone? I have been watching a lot of shows on the cable about the Mayan calendar, end of days, and all that- and I sometimes wonder: What if the world does end in 2012? What does that mean to me, right here and now?
Well, first off- I think that would suck, because even if I got a script sold and a movie was made from it and I won an Oscar- I'd only have a year or less to enjoy the good life- the money, the accolades, the travel. You know, all that stuff we all think about when we buy that lottery ticket. Wouldn't it suck to finally have that dream come true, just
in time to look up and see a massive tidal wave crashing over the Rockies? Or a fleet of invading ships from Planet X? I mean it- the end of the world would really be a drag for my personal goals.
So, I think, on top of writing every day, sending out query letters, entering contests for writers, and all that- I am going to try and do something for myself everyday. As if it's the last day of my life.
For instance- there's this crazy lady who wanders my neighborhood with her little dog. She's nice enough, I suppose, but doesn't seem to be able to stop talking, ever. I don't really know what she talks about, because the moment she begins to speak, my mind sort of numbs out, my eyes glaze over, and I just smile and try to appear like I'm actually listening to her. This can go on for five, ten minutes- maybe longer sometimes. (it's hard to tell, as time loses all meaning when stuck in conversation with her) Well, that's time wasted. Time that could, and should, and will be better spent. There's a worldwide apocalypse coming, for crying out loud. I can't listen to the latest adventures of Fluffy the dog who really needs a bath. So, next time she approaches me, I'm going to say "Shut up, crazy dog lady!" Hmmm. Okay, that's a little too harsh. I know, I'll say "If you don't have a point to speaking, I shan't listen." No, too snooty. Alright, I've got it. Next time our paths cross, I'll just turn around, and briskly trot off in the other direction. Subtle, yet clear. Perfect.
Also, and this is from something I saw on the tv show- I have decided that from now on, whenever I am flying anywhere, when it comes time for me to be patted down or x-rayed or whatever it is, I'm just going to go ahead and get naked. Why not? Along with making it easier for everyone involved, it's fun. There was a time in my life where I got naked in public quite a lot. I stopped when it went from being a spur of the moment type of thing into an institutionalized thing. Well, time for the skin to come back. Be ready, fellow travelers. In fact, I urge you all to do the same. I think, somehow, everyone getting naked more often will make the world a more harmonious, kinder place.
And while I'm on this whole make my life better before it's over kick, I think I shall be brutally honest with people. Like the next time I'm at some fast food joint, and I get that thousand miles away stare from the person behind the counter, I'll just tell them "you need to get out of this hell hole and do something else- anything else- with your life. Hell, rob banks if you have to- don't shoot anyone or anything like that, just take the money from those banker bastards and go to Rio or something. Alright, scratch the bank robbing thing- become a cat burglar. It's safer and sounds cooler. And speaking of banks, from now on, whenever I go to one, I shall inform the tellers that they work for devils, and if I see any real bankers there, I'll either flip them the bird or at least give them a very mean look.
And one more thing. I will no longer read the results of any polls. I mean, who cares what thousands of other people think? Do I know these people? How many of those thousands polled are either crazy dog ladies, or bankers, or non- streaking bankers? Throughout history, there are many, many, many instances of thousands of people getting behind some really stupid ideas. Case in point- is there anyone in the country who doesn't think at least one of the people who got elected in this last cycle is a total jerk off, and that the people who elected said jerk off are themselves massive jerk offs?
Already, I feel better about the approaching doom of civilization.