DID YOU STICK HER IN THE TRUNK?

Madeline Island, part of the Apostle Islands of Lake Superior. The Witching Hour. Moon and Alma have summoned Whiz, a ghost- who has knocked out Moon and cast a spell on Alma. For more, see previous posts.

ALMA

(dreamily) Where’d that car come from? It’s beautiful. (shivers) It’s freezing.

Whiz takes off her jacket, puts it on Alma, who is clearly dazed and confused.

ALMA (cont’d)

Thanks. Hey! Let’s take a ride. I got to get in that car- it’ll take me where I need to go- won’t it? Won’t it, lady? Why don’t you talk? Well, whatever. I’m getting in the car, and going where I’m going, and you need to come with me. Don’t ask me why I know, I just do. So come on!

Alma runs off. After a moment, we hear the phantom car peel out and drive off. Moon groans, sits up.

MOON

What happened? (looks around) Where’s Alma?

Whiz shrugs, looks over at the trunk.

MOON (cont’d)

Did you stick her in the trunk? What is wrong with you, lady? I swear to God, if you hurt her-

Moon runs over to the trunk, looks in.

MOON (cont’d)

What the...what is that? Is that...Holy Crap..it is, isn’t it? Hello? Not the chatty type, are you? Well, listen up, Spooky- this trunk is mine. I found it, fair and square, and everything inside of it is mine. And I am taking that- (points into trunk)- and then you’re telling me where Alma is. Or I’m calling the cops! Got it?

Moon reaches into the trunk, tries to pull something out, but it’s stuck.

MOON (cont’d)

What is this, super-glued in there or something? (pulls harder) Come on, come to daddy! (pulls harder, then climbs into the trunk to get better footing) Ow! Something bit me! Damn it! (tries again to pull the thing loose) Ow! Bit me again!

Moon kneels deeper in the trunk, trying to pry whatever it is loose. As he does, Whiz walks over and slams the lid shut.

MOON (cont’d)

Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing? Open up! Hello? Lady? Come on, let me out! Oh my God, it stinks in here! Hello? Lady? Listen, I won’t call the cops, okay? Just let me out of here! Lady? Hey! Let me out, or I swear to God I will kick your ass! I am not kidding! You are in for a world of hurt! Lady? Let me out of here!

The phantom car is heard pulling up, and a car door is heard opening and closing.

MOON (cont’d)

Hello? Hey, over here! Anyone? Hello!!! This crazy lady has locked me in this trunk.! Hello? Help!

After a beat, Alma runs on.

ALMA

Are you coming or not?

MOON

Alma? Alma! I’m in the trunk! The crazy lady locked me in here! Alma, you won’t believe what I got in here! It’s awesome! Come on, baby- get me out of here, and our troubles are over!

ALMA

(to Whiz) Lady, I am heading out in my new ride. And you’re coming with me, and I’m gonna film the whole thing on my Android. It’s gonna be like Thelma and Louise meet Ghost Hunters meet NASCAR. It’s perfect.

MOON

Alma! Can’t you hear me? I’m in the trunk!

Whiz walks to Alma, and they start to leave.

ALMA

Wait...I’m forgetting something.

MOON

Me! You’re forgetting me, Alma! Get me out of here!

ALMA

Something...I don’t know...

MOON

Moon! Me! You’re boyfriend!

ALMA

You ever have something right on the tip of your tongue but you can’t place it?

MOON

Alma!

ALMA

I’ll probably wake up in the middle of the night and remember. Come on!

Alma and Whiz walks off. After a moment, the phantom car is heard peeling out and driving off.

MOON

Hello? Hello!?! Get me out of here!

Moon kicks from inside the trunk, as the lights fade.

You can find more of my stuff here.

DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR ASS (HONEYBOY PART 4)

In the middle of the night, on an abandoned race track, Alma and Moon are trying to raise a spirit from the dead. A strange woman has just popped out of a seemingly empty trunk. (see previous posts for more)

MOON

Uh, Alma?

ALMA

Go away, Moon!

MOON

Alma!

ALMA

What?!?!

Alma turns, sees Whiz.

ALMA (cont’d)

Uh, excuse me, lady...but we’re shooting a tv show here, and it’s a closed set. Not open to the public. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Please step out of the trunk.

Whiz stares at Alma, then at Moon.

ALMA (cont’d)

Hello? Closed set. Get out of the trunk.

Whiz slowly steps out of trunk, walks over to Moon.

ALMA (cont’d)

Thank you. In a few months, you’ll be able to see this on one of your basic cable channels.

Whiz grabs Moon by the front of his shirt, pulls him to her. She smells his face, runs her hands across his back, then kisses him full on the mouth. 

ALMA (cont’d)

Hey!

At first, Moon resists, then kisses Whiz back. Abruptly, he falls to the ground, unconscious.

ALMA (cont’d)

Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Whiz begins to slowly circle Alma.

ALMA (cont’d)

Fair warning- I know Tae Kwan Do. Kee-Yah!

Alma strikes a ridiculous martial arts pose. Whiz stops.

ALMA (cont’d)

Scares you, doesn’t it? Now I don’t want to hurt you, and you don’t want to be hurt, so let’s all chill and figure out what’s what. First, who the hell are you?

Whiz takes a step towards Alma.

ALMA (cont’d)

Easy, lady. Don’t make me kick your ass.

Alma takes a swing at Whiz. Whiz grabs Alma’s hand easily. Alma drops to her knees as if struck with a bolt of lightening. Whiz kneels in front of her, takes Alma’s face in her hands, then kisses her. The phantom sound of a single car roars offstage. Alma stands, looks off.

ALMA (cont’d)

(dreamily) Where’d that car come from?

...To Be Continued.

ENTER GHOST (HONEYBOY JACK AND THE SILVER MIST PART 3)

Moon and Alma have come to a deserted race track on Madeline Island, the most haunted of the Apostle Islands of Lake Superior. They hope to raise the ghost of Honeyboy Jack Schaefer and film it on their smart phone, so that they can get on a paranormal tv show. They are alone, with an old trunk they have dragged along with them. Things have started to get a little funky. See previous two posts for more.

MOON

Oh my god!

An old car engine revs offstage, loudly. Then several car engines rev- it sounds like a race track right before a race. The sound builds and builds, until it's almost deafening.

ALMA

This is awesome! Go stand by the trunk and tell us about summoning Honey Boy!

MOON

Are you crazy? We have to get out of here!

Suddenly, the sounds stop. Silence. Moon and Alma stare at each other.

ALMA

I think I got all that recorded. Do you know what this means?

MOON

That a bunch of ghost cars are out to get us?

ALMA

We’re gonna be on tv! Travel Channel- maybe Discovery. I don’t know. But our troubles are over!

The trunk moves again, and then its lid opens.

MOON

(whispers) Did you see that?

ALMA

Go see what’s inside.

MOON

(whispers) No way!

ALMA

Moon, I love you- and I am so glad you found that trunk- but if you don’t suck it up and get over there, I swear to God I will find someone else to be on the show!

MOON

Alma-

ALMA

I swear to God!

MOON

Fine!

Moon slowly inches over to the trunk, and manages to peek into it.

MOON (cont’d)

It’s empty.

ALMA

Serious?

MOON

See for yourself.

Alma, still filming with her smart phone, walks up to trunk.

ALMA

Oh crap! My battery’s almost out!

MOON

I thought you charged it!

ALMA

This isn’t happening!

Alma walks downstage. Moon follows.

MOON

Should we still do the summoning thing?

ALMA

Yes, Moon! Jesus, what is wrong with you? If we don’t get the ghost of Honey Boy to come help you win that race tomorrow- no prize money. No prize money, loan sharks break thumbs.

MOON

Don’t mention the loan sharks with the camera on.

ALMA

Just shut it!

Unseen by Alma or Moon, WHIZ stands up from inside the trunk. She is a tough race car driving lady from the late 1940’s. 

MOON

Why’re you yelling at me? I’m not the one who forgot to charge the smart phone.

ALMA

Android! 

MOON

Whatever. God! You are such a B-I-... you know what!

Moon turns, sees Whiz, freezes.

MOON (cont’d)

Uh, Alma?

ALMA

Go away, Moon!

MOON

Alma!

ALMA

What?!?!

Alma turns, sees Whiz.

ALMA (cont’d)

Uh, excuse me, lady...but we’re shooting a tv show here, and it’s a closed set. Not open to the public. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Please step out of the trunk.

...To Be Continued.

HONEYBOY JACK AND THE SILVERMIST PART 2

Moon and Alma have come to a deserted race track on Madeline Island, the most haunted of the Apostle Islands of Lake Superior. They hope to raise the ghost of Honeyboy Jack Schaefer and film it on their smart phone, so that they can get on a paranormal tv show. See previous post for more.

ALMA

Just tell us about Honey Bun.

MOON

Honey Boy! (back to camera) So, I’m standing on the old dirt track where Honey Boy won his last race- before plunging into the ice water mansions of Gitchy-Gummi.

ALMA

Moon! Stick to the script.

MOON

We are summoning the spirit of Honey Boy tonight, and he’s going to help me win tomorrows race.

ALMA

He better.

MOON

Do you really think they’ll break my thumbs if I don’t pay them back?

ALMA

Moon! Don’t bring up loan sharks when the cameras are rolling. And yes, they’ll break your thumbs. They’ll break every bone in your body. 

MOON

I can’t believe you talked me into going to them.

ALMA

I didn’t talk anyone into anything.

MOON

You’re the one who needed the money for the smart phone.

ALMA

It’s called an Android, dumb ass. Smart phone is a generic phrase. And the Android isn’t the problem. We’re four months behind on the rent, the repo man took my car-

MOON

I know, I know! At least I got the cable bill paid so we can watch Breaking Bad.

ALMA

Can we get on with the shoot please?

MOON

Fine! So, on this very spot, on a chilly September night Honey Boy won his last race. I have a picture of him holding the trophy. (pulls photo out of his pants pocket). Can you get a close up of this?

Alma moves in for a close up of the photo.

MOON (cont’d)

As you can see, next to Honey Boy is the love of his life, Whiz Winchester- the fastest lady driver back then. 

ALMA

She’s big- tall as Honey Boy.

MOON

Yep. A tall drink of water.

ALMA

What happened to Whiz after Honey Boy died?

MOON

Nobody knows. Some say she headed south. Some say she killed herself-

Suddenly, the trunk moves as if there is something very powerful inside, knocking Moon on to the ground.

ALMA

Moon, stop goofing around!

MOON

What are you talking about? That thing moved!

ALMA

The trunk?

The trunk moves again.

MOON

Oh my god!

An old car engine revs offstage, loudly. Then several car engines rev- it sounds like a race track right before a race. The sound builds and builds.

ALMA

This is awesome! Go stand by the trunk and tell us about summoning Honey Boy!

MOON

Are you crazy? We have to get out of here!

Suddenly, the sounds stop. Silence. Moon and Alma stare at each other.

ALMA

I think I got all that recorded!

To Be Continued...

HONEYBOY JACK AND THE SILVER MIST PART 1

The middle of a dirt track for stock car racing. MOON, a slacker in his 20’s, comes on grunting and dragging an old steamer trunk to the middle of the stage. He stops, lets the trunk drop.

MOON

Let’s do this. (a beam of light from off stage shines on his face) Howdy. I’m Moon Dog McCoy, and this is “Alma’s Anomalies, Episode One”! It’s about ten to three in the morning,and-

ALMA, Moon’s girlfriend, also in her 20’s, comes running on stage, smart phone in one hand filming Moon, flashlight in the other.

ALMA 

Witching hour! Stick to the script, do it again.

MOON

Do I have to say Alma’s Anomalies?

ALMA

It’s the name of the show, Moon! Kind of important.

MOON

It’s lame.

ALMA

Moon, are you directing this project?

MOON

No, but-

ALMA

Then shut it.

MOON

Alma, this is my deal. I’m the one who found the trunk, I’m the one summoning Honey Boy Jack-

ALMA

You’re the one who’s going to be sleeping on the couch tonight! Just say it the way we practiced,okay?

MOON

Fine!

ALMA

And can you face a little more towards me? I’m losing your voice when you turn too far.

MOON

Is the night vision app working?

ALMA

It’s awesome.

MOON

Is it all green like on Ghost Adventures?

ALMA

Totally. Now, let’s do it again. Go from the intro, and then we’ll do the Q and A with you sitting on the trunk.

MOON

Got it.


Alma moves to the edge of the stage, points phone and flashlight at Moon.

ALMA

Rolling.

MOON

This is Moon Dog McCoy, and this is Alma’s Anomalies. It’s about ten minutes before the Witching Hour. I’m standing in the middle of the old dirt track on Madeline Island, the most haunted of the Apostle Islands.

ALMA

Good, perfect. Now sit on the trunk and tell us about Golden Boy-

MOON

Honey Boy! Honey Boy Jack Schaefer.

ALMA

Fine- Honey Bun Schaefer.

MOON

Not funny. (sits on trunk) This is the fabled trunk that Honey Boy Jack had tied to the roof of his roadster, The Silver Mist, on the night he took his last ride.

ALMA

Can you tell our viewers who Honey Boy was?

MOON

The greatest racer that ever graced the fabled dirt tracks of Wisconsin’s North Woods! Ever! But on the night of his greatest triumph, he vanished into the chilly waters of Gitchy-Gummi.

ALMA

I think it’s Kitchy-Koomi.

MOON

Gitchy-Gummi! Like in “The Wreck of the Evan Fitzgerald”.

ALMA

It’s the Edmund Fitzgerald, not Evan.

MOON

We should use that as the theme song!

ALMA

That’s a song about a ship wreck, not a car wreck.

MOON

It’s a cool song.

ALMA

Just tell us about Honey Bun.

MOON

Honey Boy! (back to camera) So, I’m standing on the old dirt track where Honey Boy won his last race- before plunging into the ice water mansions of Gitchy-Gummi.

ALMA

Moon! Stick to the script.

MOON

We are summoning the spirit of Honey Boy tonight, and he’s going to help me win tomorrows race.


This is the first part of a new ghost play I'm working on. More to come, if the spirits are willing.

HOW TO SUCCEED

Last Thursday night, I wanted to explode. It was the final dress rehearsal for How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying at StageDoor Theatre in Conifer, and things were not going so well. The actors were forgetting their lines. The scene shifts were taking so long they felt like waiting in line at the DMV. The band was hitting a couple of clunkers. And the hardest working actor that night- a young man understudying the lead role of Finch who was set to perform opening night due to the tennis schedule of the other Finch- came down with some sort of virus and almost collapsed during "Brotherhood of Man", the big final number.  We had added twenty minutes to the show- not with new dialogue or bits of business. Just with delay. I really wanted to explode.

But things can, and do, get better.

The understudy Finch had to take the next night off. But the other Finch was available due to not going to State Finals- usually a sad thing but for the show, a godsend. Friday night, we opened. Things started to click. We erased the twenty minutes we had added to the show. The band played sublimely. The cast  got back into the groove of things. And the audience really liked it. By Saturday night, our Finch understudy was back in good health, relatively speaking, and wanted to go on. I looked him in the eye, and asked him is he felt ready. He said yes. It was up to me whether or not we let him perform. I decided to go with it, based on my gut. Something felt right. There was electricity in the air, or something like it. Some weird sort of energy was filling the theatre. I don't know why, but sometimes, in theatre, a strange magic happens. Maybe it happens everywhere, but being a theatre person, I have experienced this rare sorcery through the stage. For whatever reason- hard work, confidence, rehearsal, and/or a set of un-named theatre gods who smile down on us from time to time- there are certain performances and shows that go to this other place- a level of existence where everyone is psychically connected, where every member of the cast is fearless, inspired, and brilliant. Saturday night, How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying became one of those shows. Every single member of that cast took exponential leaps in their performances. I don't remember at exactly what moment I realized that something special was happening, because I was too busy enjoying the show, laughing and clapping and shouting along with the rest of the very enthusiastic crowd. But every time another cast member went the extra mile, it would inspire one of their fellow actors to take an equally daring leap of faith in both themselves and the show.

So now, the show has become one for the ages, one of those productions I will speak of fondly, and tell legends about, and refer to when directing other productions.

As my wife always says, leap and the net shall appear.

NOISES OFF AND RUNNING

For the past few years, I have been going to see shows at the Fine Arts Center Theatre in Colorado Springs. I've seen dramas, comedies, musicals, even a one act that was stage in the museum section of the center- the excellent Lovers Leapt by Leslie Bramm directed by Artistic Director Scott Levy. And every show has been an outstanding piece of theatre. Noises Off, now playing at the FAC, is no exception. It's hilarious, fast paced, and makes you happy to be alive. This production also proves, yet again, that the most consistently excellent professional theatre in Colorado is at the Fine Arts Center in Colorado Springs.

Noises Off is a farce written by super-genius Michael Frayn. It's about a traveling theatre company putting on a farce, and is done in three acts, and from two perspectives. Act one is the final technical rehearsal, and is seen from the point of view of someone sitting in the audience during rehearsal. Act two takes place during a performance of the play, and is seen from the perspective of backstage (complete with the set rotating 180 degrees. Act Three takes place during a particularly disastrous performance, and is again seen from the perspective of someone sitting in the audience. I'm not sure if the play is a lover letter or an indictment to the madness of putting on a show- but either way, it's a delight. To me, what makes this play so funny is how seriously the characters take themselves while they do the most ridiculous things. While the characters and plot may seem absurd to some, they are very, very familiar people and situations to anyone who has ever been in a play.


The show is directed at a break neck pace by Cory Moosman. Farce is considered the hardest form of theatre- but you wouldn't know it from this production. Every move, comic bit, and complicated piece of dialogue is made to seem effortless by the outstanding cast. They are all magnificent, so I will name them all here: Birgitta DePree (Dotty Otley), Sammie Joe Kinnett (Lloyd Dallas), Scott Bellot (Garry Lejeune), Shanna Brock (Brooke Ashton), Joye Cook-Levy (Poppy Norton-Taylor), Max Ferguson (Frederick Fellowes), Casiena Raether (Belinda Blair), Sammy Gleason (Tim Allgood), Michael Miller (Selsdon Mowbray). Equally brilliant and deserving of recognition is the design team. The sound, costumes, props, and in particular set are stunning. They too deserve kudos, and they are: Christopher L. Sheley (Scenic Design), Holly Anne Rawls (Lighting Designer), by Janson Fangio (Costume Designer), Kaetlyn Springer (Properties Designer).

I particularly enjoyed this show because tonight I am opening a production of How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying at StageDoor theatre in Conifer- and many of the antics, frustrations, and joys brought to life in Noises Off have been, and continue to ring so true to me as I work with all these brilliant and insane young actors. 

I hope you all get a chance to see both Noises Off and How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying. Until then, may the force be with you.