NO PLACE LIKE HOME BUT I CAN'T GET THERE

Had several weird dreams last night. Notable in that, of late, I've been sleeping easy as can be. The stress dreams of the early days of the virus had receded, replaced by the usual space traveling, magic realms, and ghosts among us kind of dreams. But not last night. First, I dreamed my neighbor, who is a very nice guy, was playing music incredibly loud in the middle of the night. I was enraged, opened a window that doesn't exist in this reality, and shouted obscenities. He yelled back apologies, and I realized I was being a bit of a nut, felt embarrassed, and closed the window. Then I dreamt I was teaching some late night event with a bunch of my theatre students. Like three in the morning late. Finally, it was over, and time for me to go home. I went to the parking lot, but couldn't find my car. I wandered the whole lot, which was empty. It was dark and hard to see, and the more I searched, the more frantic I became. Finally, I found the car, but by then, the gates were closed, and I couldn't get out. So, of course, I drove the car into the school, somehow got it into this little room on the second floor, and then freaked out. I got out of the car, called home to say I'd be a bit late, then turned to discover that somehow, while on the phone, the car had been disassembled and put into a bunch of shoe boxes. This was a drag, as I knew it would take some time to put the car back together. And just then, I kid you not, a giant spider started to crawl into the room through an air vent. Happily, I was awoken by my dog, who needed to go outside and perform his early morning ablutions. 

I think I was picking up some of the anxiety running rampant in the world, the waiting for the other shoe to drop, the sense of unease. The despair I feel when I see people acting like the pandemic is over, that crowds are good, that wearing a mask is an unnecessary imposition. Such willful denial. Add to that the people, the few who are left, who don't seem to understand what the protests are about. It's frustrating.

I do believe we are in a time of change. That the old ways of doing things are on their way out, that ignorance, privilege, soul deadening jobs, and oppression are through. I think of the Velvet Revolutions of Eastern Europe, and how quickly things changed. I think of my own life, and how when I finally decided to change course, it was the easiest thing ever. We have all been given the gift of time. Of being forced to confront ourselves, our fears, our joys, our sorrows. And when we do that, our choices become clearer. That doesn't mean that change isn't scary. It is. Uncertainty can be overwhelming at first. But so freeing. I remember my first acting job. I was twenty-one. It was in Durango, Colorado. One of my teachers at San Jose State asked me if I wanted to get paid to do theatre for the summer. I said yes, jumped in a car, and was off to the races. It was very exciting. And terrifying. I had never lived anywhere but San Jose. I had never had a job doing what I wanted to do with my life. I had never done a lot of things. And the first night I was there, I had a bit of a freak out. What would happen? What if I was no good? What if I was great? I had no idea what to expect. And it scared the shit out of me. I went to sleep full of anxiety. But I got up the next day, went to work, and ended up having one of the best summers of my life. I leapt, and the net appeared. It was an important lesson for me. One that I learn again and again. There is always another leap to make, another risk to take. 

All who wander are not lost. 

Here's a song. It's a live version of Can't Find My Way Home by Steve Windwood w/Tom Petty.